The following is a query critique. Comments, suggestions and discussion are welcome and we hope you join in. I can only offer one opinion. The author of the query and I would love to hear yours!
Dear Ms. Ruth,
I’m querying you with my completed 90,000-word (“completed 90,000-word” is redundant) sexy paranormal romance that asks if love can survive the keeping of secrets.
The phrase, “The keeping of secrets” is very clunky. Can you find a single word for this? Sorry. I’m listening…
An attack in Peru forces tomb raider Mia Langdon to hunt for the deadly flaming arrows of the goddess Sekhmet.
This is too much information for one sentence. I like that Mia is a tomb raider. This is very interesting, but who is Mia, exactly. I don’t get any inkling of her personality or the rest of her life. Why would the attack in Peru force Mia to hunt for Sekhmet’s arrows? What is her connection to the goddess and to the attack?
Her quest triggers a chain of events that shove her and her ex-lover into the middle of a war between the gods and goddesses of Ancient Egypt.
This seems very vague…
Will the woman with a Grand Canyon-sized independent streak and a man who disapproves of everything she is, find a way to build a bridge between two souls meant for each other? Or will their secrets destroy any chance at rekindling their love?
I love that she’s independent and that he disapproves of her. But what secrets are you talking about? I’m also not crazy about finding out that he’s her ex-boyfriend before I even know his name or his significance to her.
Blood on the Moon features the half-immortal children (are they under-age or do you mean the descendants of the gods and goddesses?) of Ancient Egypt’s gods and goddesses born to protect mankind against deadly relics. What’s so deadly about the relics?
I’m an active member of RWA and my local chapter. My writing credits include crafting and presenting workshops, writing articles for the chapter’s newsletter and writing columns for a promotional website, 1st Turning Point. In the recent past, I won the Golden Claddagh, Golden Rose and Futuristic, Fantasy and Paranormal contests and have published a paranormal romance with Samhain Publishing and recently sold a post-apocalypse novella to Lyrical Press.
I especially like hearing about your writing credentials.
Thank you for your consideration.
[name and website redacted]
I would request this, because I like your writing credentials and I feel like I be able to like Blood on the Moon. But I wouldn’t request enthusiastically. In order for me to raise my eyebrows and click send with a flourish, I would need to get to know Mia and her ex-lover a bit more, including their relationship with each other, their relationship with the gods and Mia’s vocation as a tomb raider, which I love by the way.